Our Sons

The most emailed article from the New York Times on Tuesday was titled, “Giving Boys the Tools for Success and Multitasking”. As I read the article, it took me back to 1999 when my son was in middle school. The teachers nicknamed him “pigpen” because he forever had a stream of papers falling out of his backpack and hanging out of his locker. As much as we tried to help organize him we couldn’t. By eighth grade we gave up. He went through middle school having “nickel and dimed” himself as we were told by his teachers because he would lose homework assignments and get points taken off for failing notebook spot checks. He eventually worked the kinks out of some self-designed system because he completed Honors and AP classes, graduated from high school and attends a top University. But, there was no support - we were told he was just “wired” that way. Not that he would have agreed to see one of the “organizational tutors” in this article anyway - but I am sure no such option even existed.

Back in the early ‘90’s there was an explosion of literature about how boys are failing. Books titled, The Wonder of Boys, by Michael Gurian, Real Boys by William Pollack, and the War Against Boys by Christina Hoff Sommers, essentially reported that boys were on the brink of crashing in every aspect of society - families, schools and the community. Boys were doing poorly in school, abusing more drugs, dropping out of school at higher rates, earning fewer college degrees, crowding special education programs and generally becoming misfits in our society. And today’s statistics support this prediction: girls outpace boys in academics (particularly in reading), in high school graduation rates, and in college acceptances. There continues to be a higher rate of male violent offenders, more boys in special education programs and in the principals’ offices. Take a look at these statistics; they are shocking.

Could it be that when I was worrying about the future for my daughters when they were born in the early 90’s, I should have been equally concerned for my son, being born in the late 80’s? I wasn’t aware then, that boys were becoming more and more disengaged. But it is so clear to me now, that somehow they were left behind.

Ten years after this proliferation of literature the story continues to unfold. A government report called, America’s Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being 2007, examined statistics related to our kids’ health, safety, behavior, economics, education and family and social environment over the past 2 decades. The conclusion is hopeful. Although girls continue to lead by a large margin, the gap is closing. The downward trend for boys has begun a slow turn upward.

During the 1980’s, girls had a lot of catching up to do and progress was made through legislation and programs that equalized access to everything from education to athletics. I am not saying that the playing fields have equaled out yet, but I believe that the close attention that girls were getting in the 80’s directly contributed to who they are today. Perhaps the “boy” literature of the early 90’s was the catalyst to do the same for their brothers.

The mere fact that both sexes are genetically different naturally translates into a divergence of approaches to learning, problem solving and to social interactions. Educators and other professionals are acknowledging that it’s not that boys won’t fit the mold, but the mold doesn’t fit the boys. New teaching styles and methodologies are being investigated, curriculums are being adapted and classrooms are being redesigned. There are all kinds of non-profit organizations that address “boy power issues”, to:

increase academic skills, to increase college success, and to develop the confidence, drive, and determination to contribute to American society.

Sound familiar? Not much different than the organizations that were created to support young girls a few decades back.

With books topping this year’s best seller list like, “The Dangerous Book for Boys” that according to the authors acknowledge:

“In this age of video games and cell phones, there must still be a place for knots, tree houses, and stories of incredible courage"

It is evident that the tide is changing. The book does not promote aggressive behavior, nor does it praise boys over girls, it “exudes the confidence of ages past that boys are to be treasured not cured”. And perhaps this is the direction we need to follow. Boys need to be supported and given the freedom to be who they are. To be believed in. They are the next fathers, husbands and contributors to our society and if they are nurtured as children the results can only be better when they become adults.

Socrates may have had it right, when many thousands of years ago he asked,

“How shall we find a gentle nature which also has a great spirit?”

Perhaps we are moving closer and within time, both boys and girls will grow up being more comfortable in their own skins, content with their decisions, and finding ways to break through some of the issues that our generation has not yet achieved.

Childhood Obesity Revisited

The other day, my kids reminded me of the dessert policy I instituted when they were young. They could choose to either have: 2 small items, like two cookies, or 8 M&M’s. Don’t ask me how I came up with this crazy formula. But I do remember firmly adhering to it and except on special occasions they knew never to even ask for special dispensation.

When they were too young to know any differently, there were no sweets or junk food in our house, at least not for them. As they got old enough to know better, I declared that complete abstinence would create cookie monsters, so “that food” became permissible but only in a natural, controlled rhythm. I do admit to sometimes finding empty candy wrappers and chip bags under couch cushions and under beds, but I allowed these digressions to pass without confrontation. I attributed it to youthful spunkiness and small acts of rebellion - allowing the guilty parties to believe that they had gotten away with something. Instead, maybe it should have been my wake up call.

By the time my kids became adolescents, they could easily have been labeled “chunky”, or “full”, or dare I say, overweight? Although I knew they weren’t skinny, they were very active, avidly playing all kinds of sports and most importantly, they had great self esteem, lots of friends and definitely no body image issues. Today, when I look back at their pictures they were definitely “overweight”. Back then I grappled with how to deal with the problem. Or was it a problem? They were far from obese, lead busy, active lives and quite honestly were very happy. The last thing that I wanted for my kids to believe was that their size mattered. Who's problem was it really?

So we framed it with discussions about eating healthy and the importance of being fit. We always had healthy meals and rarely ate fast food. Removing the sweets and chips from our cupboards was not the answer. I believed that teaching my kids how to eat in moderation and to enjoy food - every type - was a life skill they needed to learn. Removing temptations, instead of learning how to manage them, is no way to enjoy life. Perhaps this approach was a leap of faith, and either it worked or they just grew out of it. As they passed through adolescence, they eventually shed their extra weight.

But how would have I felt if their pediatrician actually labeled them “fat” to their faces at their annual physicals? I am positive I would not have welcomed this harsh reality check. Not only would I have been insulted, I never would have condoned such callous and insensitive behavior from our pediatrician. The American Medical Association has recently proposed such a recommendation:

"We need to describe this in medical terms, which is 'obesity.' When we talk to an individual family, we can be a little more cognizant of their feelings and more gentle, but that doesn't mean we can't discuss it," Washington said. "The evidence is clear that we need to bring it up."

In our ambitious attempt to confront these important issues, physicians still need to be mindful of the power in which they are vested. All adults, for that matter, cannot underestimate the potential damage their words can cause. Stigmatization can do as much harm to children as their overweight bodies. All my kids are average weights now. But they each have gone through different weight phases in their short lives. Had there been intervention by a teacher, a physician or even the government it may very well have had a detrimental affect on them. Who is to say what the best practice is?

It is crucial that we act on the obesity epidemic in our country. However, this call for action needs to be balanced ever so carefully with our responsibility to protect our young people from living a lifetime of never feeling good enough unless they are a size 2 or flaunt a sculptured body of muscle and fine lines. It’s a balancing act on a tightrope that requires master skills to gently make the way unfailingly across that wire or we risk raising an entire population of unhealthy as well as unhappy adults.

Children deserve time to be kids and to not feel like failures because they are overweight - especially when it’s not their fault. Parents, media, schools, economics and social factors are what is responsible for who they are and who they will become. They deserve to be healthy and to have a chance at living happy, normal, productive and fulfilling lives. Fixing the obesity problem in America is far more challenging than we may even begin to imagine.

Childhood Obesity - A Threat to our Public Health

About 33% of US children and adolescents between the age of 2 and 19 years old are overweight and 17.1% of those are obese

“If we don’t take steps to reverse course, the children of each successive generation seem destined to be fatter and sicker than their parents.” Dr. David Ludwig made this statement in an editorial he wrote in a recent issue of the New England Journal of Medicine, in response to the findings of two published studies of childhood obesity. Both studies looked at the effects that childhood obesity will have on the future health of overweight children. One study followed 277,000 Danish students for decades by evaluating detailed health records. The study found,

…the more overweight a child was between ages 7 and 13, the greater the risk of heart disease in adulthood. The older the children are, the higher the chance for later heart risk. So, for example, a boy who was heavier than his peers at age 7 had a 5 percent increased risk for later heart disease, but a boy who was heavier than his peers at age 13 had a 17 percent greater risk.

If these findings aren’t startling enough, there’s more. The most obese child in the Danish study was at a 33% greater risk for heart disease in adulthood. Yet, the fattest boys in the entire Danish sample are barely considered overweight by US standards. Barely considered overweight by US standards! Think about the implications of that finding. This means that the risk for adult heart disease for Americans is most definitely even greater than 33%.

Now combine this information with the findings out of UCSF which state that:

if the number of overweight children continues to increase at current rates, then by the year 2035, the rate of heart disease will rise to 16 percent or as many as 100,000 extra cases of heart disease attributable to childhood obesity.

Although it may not seem like it now, it won’t be long before we are standing on the threshold of a Public Health crisis. The economic costs of this strain on our health care system will be enormous. A surge in serious illness (and obesity also increases the risk for Type 2 diabetes, kidney failure, limb amputation and premature death) translates into lower worker productivity, job loss and in the end a dying economy.

Pretty bleak forecast and in the meantime, not a lot is being done to turn this crisis around. Our kids continue to lead more sedentary lives, snack on junk food, eat fast food for meals, be inundated with ad campaigns for these dangerous foods and then be served them in their school cafeterias.

I don’t mean to say that nothing is being done to attack this epidemic. The State of Arkansas began a health report card for all students in grades K -12. At the end of every year students are sent home with a report their weight, BMI etc. Apparently there have been some positive results. When the fact that their child is overweight is staring them in the face some parents and kids take action; however, the program is purely elective, so it is unclear which families are opting in and which families are not being counted.

School systems have instituted nutrition and exercise programs with some success. For example, a research group, The Healthier Options for Public Schools, followed 3700 students in a Florida county over 2 years. School districts instituted an intervention program in 4 schools and the results were measured against two schools that did not have a program. The intervention program included dietary changes, increased exercise and nutrition awareness. There were dramatic changes in the kids who had intervention, however, when those students returned from summer vacation, most had reverted back to their old habits.

The good news is, that with education, changes in lifestyle and healthful diets, this trend can be reversed. The broader and more daunting question, is how? When the cost of healthy eating is often too high for low-income families and fast food has become the norm because families are too busy to sit down for a meal, and our entire population has become sedentary, it appears that we are doomed to fail our children. The issues are economic, cultural and political. But if we do not create a comprehensive national strategy to attack this problem, it will soon be too late.

We have in our communities a perfect storm that will continue to feed the childhood obesity epidemic until we adopt policies that improve the health of our communities and our kids," Frank Chaloupka, an economics professor the University of Illinois at Chicago.

So what do we do? There are countless competing issues. On the one hand, we have a culture that is unhealthy and overweight and on the other hand we have a “body image” obsessed society. There are issues of self esteem, bullying, and stigmatization attached to obese kids yet we also want to teach our kids to like themselves for who they are and not for what they look like. The one thing is clear, however, we cannot stay on this trajectory and if we do we will be doing a terrible disservice to this future generation.

The Case of the Morton West High School: Who Really Should be Punished?

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
~1st Amendment to the US Constitution

The 1st Amendment represents the most fundamental right that every US citizen believes is inalienable. Regardless of whether they have studied their civics: kids know about freedom of speech and freedom of assembly - it is what being American is all about.

According to the New York Times, on November 1, 2007, the students at Morton West High School in suburban Chicago, staged a peaceful anti-war protest in their cafeteria. By the time it was over, more than a dozen students were suspended and they now face expulsion. There are two versions of the story. In a statement by the superintendent, the 1st version is as follows:

…the students were informed by school administration and Berwyn Police that their actions constituted a disruption to the school day. They were afforded the opportunity to take their protest outside where they would not be impeding the educational process and, if they did so, they would face no disciplinary action. Several members of the group elected to return to their classes. Other members of the group locked arms and refused to move from their location.

After some time and negotiation, the students ultimately moved from the cafeteria to an area of the hallway adjacent to the principal's office.

The Student version continues:

Students report that they were promised that there would be no charges besides cutting classes if they took their protest outside so as not to disturb the school day. The students complied, and were led to a corner outside the cafeteria where they sang songs and held signs while classes resumed.

In either version, the students eventually complied and continued their protest in their designated space. What followed is most disturbing. Apparently school deans, counselors and even the Superintendent himself tried to change the minds of a few of the students, particularly those with high GPA’s. The school called the parents of many of the protesters, but not all of them, and offered them the opportunity to pick their students up before the close of school guaranteeing a 3-5 day suspension, the rest, 37 students were given 10 day suspensions and expulsion papers. And even worse, students, whose parents complained, were offered reduced punishments only if they signed a confession that singled out the student as the organizer of the protest.

This scenario, although much more serious in its implications, is not all that different than one that occurred in our local high school. The students, acting on reliable information, staged a sit-in in protest to a change in policy at the school. With a video camera running, the principal immediately asked the assembly to disburse. Outraged, he gathered student leaders, who had no involvement in the sit-in and threatened their leadership positions if they did not identify the protesters. The students refused to comply. Nobody was expelled but four students were suspended. Although this story was rather insignificant compared to the Morton West High School incident, there are some striking similarities.

Students should be prepared that a sit-in or protest, unless certified or organized with the administration’s support, could result in some consequences. Certainly in the case of the Morton West high school students, expulsion is definitely extreme. However at least they were given an alternative place to gather, our local students were flatly told to disburse. However, the real disturbing facts are what occurred after both of the incidences.

In both cases, students were being pressured, almost bullied to “finger” the perpetrators. The administration dangled a reward of a reduced punishment
in the case of the Morton West students, and a threat in the case of our local high school students. Where is it written in any administrator’s job description that he/she may brandish their positions of authority in such an irresponsible and a repressive manner?

Furthermore, in the case of the Morton West students, how narcissistic are those administrators who felt compelled to play “God” by protecting the reputations and records of those higher achieving students by warning them that it would be in their best interest to disburse? Whose idea was it to call some parents and give them a head’s up to their sons’ and daughters’ potential punishments if they didn’t collect them by a certain time? What kind of system is at play?

It is impossible to take an administration seriously when the leader can wantonly create rules to fit his/her needs? Are these the lessons we want our children to learn? The basics like 1st Amendment rights to Free Speech and Freedom of Assembly are no-brainers, we expect our kids to learn about this in school, and if they experience it first hand, all the better. These lessons fall under an academic heading such as social studies or civics.

But how do you categorize the finer nuances of a learning environment that are equally important, such as fairness, truthfulness and integrity - qualities that as parents we expect our teachers and administrators to not only model for our kids through their own actions but to expect in every student that walks the halls of our schools? There is no purer laboratory than a classroom or school environment in which to teach these concepts. Yet, it seems that in both cases, the schools failed miserably and our students walked away with learning an entirely different lesson and not a lesson any reasonable person would be proud of.

Issues like Free Speech and Freedom of Assembly are protected by our Constitution and there are legal avenues when these rights appear to be violated. Classrooms have historically been venues where these issues are often raised. However, there is obviously no Constitutional right to expect fairness, truthfulness and integrity from our teachers and school leaders, only a moral compact and a code of ethics that parents have entrusted in them and an expectation that they will act responsibly, fairly and in the best interest of each and every student.

A Young Life Lost is a Loss to Us All

I have a big yellow labrador retriever that accompanies me on my morning walk. Usually we hike the endless trails that surround our town with a friend and her dog. Some days however, when we can’t make it to the woods, I walk him alone along the streets near our home. I enjoy these walks as much as the hikes. It is sequestered time for thinking.

The route that I choose to take most frequently on these solo walks, takes me past a cemetery that has headstones dating back to the 1700’s. The cemetery is nestled into the woods along a picturesque country road. This time of year, the backdrop of the autumn leaves makes it especially remarkable. This is not an historical cemetery. There are simply family plots held by local families for generations.

About a year and a half ago, one of those teen tragedies struck our town. Two boys were involved in a car accident, leaving the passenger dead. The boys had been best friends since childhood. The passenger was a local kid who was a graduate of our local high school. It was never proven whether the driver was drunk or just hit a slippery patch of road. The cause is not the point of my story.

This young man is buried in the cemetery that I walk by. I didn’t actually realize this until the headstone was placed at the grave, a number of months after the funeral. For eighteen months I have watched this family grieve. Although I never knew the young man, I find him profoundly in my thoughts.

Through the seasons, I have watched offerings come and go. The gravesite is adorned with colorful flowers and plants, trinkets of all sorts- momentos that have such personal importance to the visitor who left it, and a beautifully hand-carved birdfeeder that welcomes life to this unfortunate final resting place. He must have been brimming with life because he continues to be celebrated in death.

On rare occasions, however, I will walk by and notice the flowers wilting, weeds sprouting and the area around the gravesite looking unkempt. It makes me wonder why the family, who is fastidious in its expression of love has let the grave site fall into such disrepair. Could it be that they are becoming more used to life without their son, or is it simply that they just got too busy with life that they can’t deal with death? I wonder how often they visit him. Always, within days, the wilted flowers are gone and replaced with more spectacular flowers than before. Just as some days we are more involved in our kids' lives than others, I suppose it is the same with this family. We spend our entire lives caring for our kids, this is all the caretaking they will ever be able to do for him.

The other day I noticed a Happy Birthday balloon tied to the headstone. An even deeper sorrow touched me. For the first time, in all the months I have passed by, I walked over to the grave and paid my respects. The day before would have been his 23rd birthday. I was struck by objects I never saw from the street: beautiful shells, small ceramic pieces with his name beautifully crafted onto the piece, engraved sayings on rocks. At the bottom of his headstone was an engraved quote by him: “This is life, live it to its fullest. I’m gone”. I discovered that this was his Senior quote in his high school yearbook.

My kids get annoyed with me when I tell them I refuse to go to sleep until I know they are safe for the night. They may think it’s because I don’t trust them but it couldn’t be farther from the truth. I just love them so much that I could never imagine my life without them. I could never survive the nightmare that this family endures. Teens and cars and accidents- it’s the one variable we can’t control - an accident.

I stood for a moment, thinking about this young life that is gone. I started to leave, and then picked up a pebble and walked back to place it on his grave. In my tradition, placing a pebble on a gravesite suggests the continuing presence of love and memory, which are as strong and enduring as a rock. Some days after I pass by the cemetery I want to call the family to let them know that I think about their son often; even though I never knew him, he is constantly in my thoughts.

Nate Fisher case is still in the news

As a follow-up to yesterday's post, I found this posting on a blog called, The Beat. It is a posting of the facts from the mother in the Nate Fisher case. After reading it, I now have some of my questions answered:

Here is what she wrote:

"I am the mother of this student. I can tell you the facts on our side of this, and you can make your judgment from there, but at least your facts will be right.

My daughter arrived in her English class on the second day of school, (the first day was used for books and roll taking ect)

Since she was not in the school system the year before she was not assigned a summer reading assignment before arriving in her new high school.

Her brand new English teacher asked her to stay after class so he could give her an assignment to read over the labor day long weekend and give him an oral report on the next school day. He gave her a choice of 5 books, 4 of the books were about civil war, the lone ranger and Tonto and military fighting. One book was about shooting pool, or so she thought - This would be Eightball (issue #22). The teacher pointed out eightball and told her this is the one he thought she would like the most. He also told her it might have a little bit of mature content in it.

She said okay and put the comic in her bag and off she went. - The comic stayed in her bag until Saturday when we were all driving in the car heading to a family picnic - My younger children and a friends child are in the backseat with my daughter and I hear a strange giggling coming from the back. Any parent knows the kind of giggling I’m talking about (the kind where you should immediately ask what’s going on). So I said to the group of children - “what’s so funny you guys!” So the kids reply - We are laughing at the reading assignment from her teacher - “The two kids are doing it” - So I said - Give me that!

I took the comic from the kids, and I started reading it.

Now let me tell you, I am not shocked by much, but the first page I turned to was the fluffy blue bunny page - and I was shocked. Why would this teacher think my 13 year old would want to read this! I could not imagine what this teacher had in mind with my daughter by giving her this comic. I was fearful that I knew what might be on his mind!

Also let me tell you that when I went to the police and the school, we were not on a witch-hunt - we weren’t out to get anyone fired and we were really hoping this was all a big mistake. We thought possibly that maybe some kid stuck this in his classroom as a joke and that happened to be the one she picked up thinking it was about playing pool.

I showed the school and the resource officer what was given to my daughter and they were very surprised, this is not part of the allowed reading material for teachers to give. They said thank you and we will be in touch later and let you know what we find out.

So the afternoon goes by and my Daughter gets off the bus, I ask her what happened in his class that day and she tells me that - He pulled her aside after class and asked her how reading that comic made her feel.

She told him that she really thought it was disgusting and inappropriate and he said yes, I told you it might be a little bit mature.

Well when I heard this, I was really disgusted. What can I assume in this day and age was this teachers motives?? I put her back in the car and I went back down to the school. I asked to see the principal again and I told him what was said to her after class.

Now I want to say - this next piece of information was just what I was told by the school - I didn’t hear the teacher say this personally.

I was told that the teacher gave it to my daughter because he thought she would like the material. But - He said he had it as a college graphic Adult reading assignment in a college class several years before.

That was a college class he signed up for and he knew the course material. Not something handed to him by a teacher in high school and told to read.

`Again, I would like to STRONGLY attest to the fact that I am not against mature reading material being discussed in a classroom setting. I have no problems with nudity, violence, or any other topic discussed in a setting that promotes learning. Had this piece of material been given to the class as a whole as an assignment on modern day graphic novels and the literary benefits of them, there would be no problem.

There would be no problem because it would be part of a curriculum, clearly meant for learning.

Had the teacher suggested this graphic novel to my daughter, advising her that it is of mature content, and asking her to obtain it on her own with her parents consent, then I would have no problem with it.

This is where I have a problem. This teacher gave my daughter, and ONLY my daughter, a graphic novel of mature nature, without the knowledge of the administration, as an extra curricular assignment. This was done after class to my 13-year-old daughter. Yes she was 13 at the time of the incident. She has since turned 14. That may help to alleviate any confusion about her age. In dealing with these situations, parents these days can’t take chances. I will never know this teachers true intent, but I do know that he is at least guilty of extremely bad judgment.

I do not have the blind faith to assume that everything is OK. My duty is to protect my children. I will not compromise that."

Now, I still walk away with the same conclusion:

One of our jobs as parents is to make sure our kids are safe. I certainly understand this mother's reaction to do everything possible to protect her daughter. I am sure she was fuming and shocked - especially being new to to town - wondering how this could have happened.

However, at what cost and to what extremes do we go to protect our children? Isn't it also our job to be good role models for our kids, especially when they are teenagers and they judge our behavior so scrupulously? By rushing to the police, and notifying school officials, she denied the teacher any opportunity to explain himself. He was guilty way before he even had a chance to prove his innocence, or at least his poor judgement. This was a perfect opportunity for a Parental Teaching moment -- to demonstrate how adults work out differences by gathering facts, communicating, trying to understand both sides of an issue, and in this case, realizing that people, even teachers are human and they make mistakes.

Forgiveness would have been much better lesson to learn.

Best Laid Plans

Today. Today is the kind of day that typifies the life of any stay-at-home mom. For the last 2 days, I had organized myself with meal planning, house cleaning, chores and meetings so that I could spend today writing - something I am trying very hard to carve out time to do. 

I woke up this morning, knowing that by 9:00 am, I could sit down for 4 hours (luxurious to many, especially with young kids, I know), before I had to do some quick chores, prepare dinner and get one of my kids to a doctor's appt and deal with after school activities. At 8:00 am, I get a call from the high school nurse, my 17 year old needs to come home, she is having eye trouble. Our eye doctor, who's office has moved 30 minutes away, can see her - we arrive by 8:45. Home by 10:00. She goes to bed and since I am already out, I decide I will do my errands so that MAYBE I can still carve out some writing time when I return. Just as I enter the grocery store, I get a call from my middle schooler who forgot a notebook (her school is right down the street from the grocery store). I go home, unload groceries, go back to her school to drop off her notebook. When I get home, I decide to prepare some of the dinner ahead of time because again, better now, then I can extend my writing time further into the afternoon. In the middle of the preparations, I receive another call - from our optical shop, my daughter's eyeglasses are ready (which we needed to have rushed because she had lost her other pair and clearly the extended wearing of the contacts contributed to the abrasion of her cornea). So, again I get back in the car to the optical shop (which is located equidistant between the grocery store and the Middle School) before they close for lunch.

It is now 1:00 and I am finally sitting down - I have exactly 60 minutes, before I need to leave again to get my daughter to that doctor's appointment, which originally was the only commitment on my calendar today.

Here is my question: How do families where both parents work do it? and what about single parents? I was available to do all that I did, and yes, my writing will now have to wait until next week (tomorrow is filled with commitments and forget the weekend), and yes, I am frustrated and annoyed - and I better hear a thank-you from both kids - but I didn't lose work hours and I wasn't docked any pay. I know if I was at a job, my daughter probably wouldn't have gotten her notebook and she would have lived with the consequences and wouldn't forget it a again - or would she? Would my daughter have not gotten to the eye doctor today? And how would have I felt if I just couldn't have helped her? Relieved that I didn't have to be hassled? Guilty because I couldn't do that one single thing? And am I doing my kids any justice by being available all the time? Enabling them to forget notebooks or even having their needs taken care of immediately and so easily? I guess my point is that as parents we all face the same dilemmas and it's our circumstances that dictate how we deal with them.

I have always believed that we make our choices, or sometimes life's circumstances make our choices for us, and we do the best we can do. After all we are only human, and if we are lucky, we get to be parents, and in that journey we have no way of predicting where each day will take us. As mothers, we are no better off if we stay home or if we work - we are only winners if we are happy with our choices, even if somedays, we may wish we had taken a different path.