Our Sons

The most emailed article from the New York Times on Tuesday was titled, “Giving Boys the Tools for Success and Multitasking”. As I read the article, it took me back to 1999 when my son was in middle school. The teachers nicknamed him “pigpen” because he forever had a stream of papers falling out of his backpack and hanging out of his locker. As much as we tried to help organize him we couldn’t. By eighth grade we gave up. He went through middle school having “nickel and dimed” himself as we were told by his teachers because he would lose homework assignments and get points taken off for failing notebook spot checks. He eventually worked the kinks out of some self-designed system because he completed Honors and AP classes, graduated from high school and attends a top University. But, there was no support - we were told he was just “wired” that way. Not that he would have agreed to see one of the “organizational tutors” in this article anyway - but I am sure no such option even existed.

Back in the early ‘90’s there was an explosion of literature about how boys are failing. Books titled, The Wonder of Boys, by Michael Gurian, Real Boys by William Pollack, and the War Against Boys by Christina Hoff Sommers, essentially reported that boys were on the brink of crashing in every aspect of society - families, schools and the community. Boys were doing poorly in school, abusing more drugs, dropping out of school at higher rates, earning fewer college degrees, crowding special education programs and generally becoming misfits in our society. And today’s statistics support this prediction: girls outpace boys in academics (particularly in reading), in high school graduation rates, and in college acceptances. There continues to be a higher rate of male violent offenders, more boys in special education programs and in the principals’ offices. Take a look at these statistics; they are shocking.

Could it be that when I was worrying about the future for my daughters when they were born in the early 90’s, I should have been equally concerned for my son, being born in the late 80’s? I wasn’t aware then, that boys were becoming more and more disengaged. But it is so clear to me now, that somehow they were left behind.

Ten years after this proliferation of literature the story continues to unfold. A government report called, America’s Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being 2007, examined statistics related to our kids’ health, safety, behavior, economics, education and family and social environment over the past 2 decades. The conclusion is hopeful. Although girls continue to lead by a large margin, the gap is closing. The downward trend for boys has begun a slow turn upward.

During the 1980’s, girls had a lot of catching up to do and progress was made through legislation and programs that equalized access to everything from education to athletics. I am not saying that the playing fields have equaled out yet, but I believe that the close attention that girls were getting in the 80’s directly contributed to who they are today. Perhaps the “boy” literature of the early 90’s was the catalyst to do the same for their brothers.

The mere fact that both sexes are genetically different naturally translates into a divergence of approaches to learning, problem solving and to social interactions. Educators and other professionals are acknowledging that it’s not that boys won’t fit the mold, but the mold doesn’t fit the boys. New teaching styles and methodologies are being investigated, curriculums are being adapted and classrooms are being redesigned. There are all kinds of non-profit organizations that address “boy power issues”, to:

increase academic skills, to increase college success, and to develop the confidence, drive, and determination to contribute to American society.

Sound familiar? Not much different than the organizations that were created to support young girls a few decades back.

With books topping this year’s best seller list like, “The Dangerous Book for Boys” that according to the authors acknowledge:

“In this age of video games and cell phones, there must still be a place for knots, tree houses, and stories of incredible courage"

It is evident that the tide is changing. The book does not promote aggressive behavior, nor does it praise boys over girls, it “exudes the confidence of ages past that boys are to be treasured not cured”. And perhaps this is the direction we need to follow. Boys need to be supported and given the freedom to be who they are. To be believed in. They are the next fathers, husbands and contributors to our society and if they are nurtured as children the results can only be better when they become adults.

Socrates may have had it right, when many thousands of years ago he asked,

“How shall we find a gentle nature which also has a great spirit?”

Perhaps we are moving closer and within time, both boys and girls will grow up being more comfortable in their own skins, content with their decisions, and finding ways to break through some of the issues that our generation has not yet achieved.

Our Daughters

I remember, being in eighth grade, and wanting to grow up to be a teacher in the inner city. I devoured a constant stream of books about teacher success stories that could have easily been made into Disney movies. I was inspired and I believed that I too could change a piece of the world. My girlfriends also had dreams of growing up and pursuing careers. Nobody discouraged us from being whatever we wanted; we went on to college and graduate schools. Some of us pursued careers, some of us became full-time mothers and some tried to balance the two. This was before Title IX opened up playing fields to equalize access to athletics, before sexual harassment was outlawed and bias for college scholarships and financial aid was banned based on sex.

According to Dan Kindlon, a psychologist and adjunct professor at the Harvard School of Public Health, my daughters are profoundly different from who I was at their age. He studied 900 girls and boys in grades 6 -12, from the US and Canada and concluded in his book, Alpha Girls: Understanding the new American Girl and How She is Changing the World:

This generation of girls can be labeled, “alpha girls” because data shows they outperform boys in grades, honors, high school graduation rates and college entrance. That this new girl power is characterized by ‘emancipated confidence’ that is raising self esteem, reducing depression and altering gender roles among girls and women.

Last night I was at my 12 year old daughter’s basketball tournament. Before the game, the opponents were sitting together in a group, waiting to go into the gym. As I watched them, I stubbornly realized that they really are different from who I was at that age and they are growing up with very different expectations. There were basketball teams for girls my age, heck, my mom played basketball in high school - but girls’ athletics was not given the legitimacy that it has today. We didn’t have Recreation leagues, Little League, summer sports camps and sports clinics. Of the four teams that were out on those two courts, last night, 3 of them had woman coaches. Today, girls believe they can be as good or even better than boys, their playtime counts and their competition is just as important. And it is. Those girls played hard, aggressive basketball. And this confidence carries over to their school performance as well.

Annually, I attend the Awards nights at our high school. I have been tracking this phenomenon since before my son graduated in 2005: By my rough estimate, at least 2/3 of the academic awards always go to girls. The National Honor Societies, whether for foreign languages or general academics, consist of a strong majority of girls and my kids tell me that the presence of testosterone in the Honors and AP classes is almost non-existent. I can’t remember the last time our high school valedictorian was male.

And it’s cool now for girls to be jocks or to be smart or even better to be both. When I was growing up, it was acceptable to excel in tennis or track, but enter the culture of male dominated sports and watch out. My best friend was captain of the girls’ basketball team. She was smart and an incredible athlete, but boys shied away from her - way too intimidating. We were class presidents, team captains and honors recipients. In fact, according to Lawrence Katz, a professor of economics, “girls have been ahead of boys in precollege education for well over 100 years: in high school graduation rates and in constituting 2/3 of honor students”. Here’s the difference: we weren’t taken seriously until the women’s movement accelerated change through Title IX, and other political and legal advancements.

In an article about this study in Harvard Magazine, the author acknowledges:

Today, there is a “paradigm shift in the way parents think about their girls’ options in the world. There’s a whole generation of girls whose creativity and intellect are being supported by their families. Their mothers and fathers are cheering them on, coaching them and setting the bar high, so that their ambition can soar and take them high”.

The playing field is leveling off and for the first time, girls and young women have an opportunity to realize their potential. They do have more self-confidence and great self esteem. They are definitely more empowered.

But, if Dan Kindlon is going to label these girls, “Alpha Girls”, then I take offense. The term “alpha girl” was coined to describe those horrible middle school bullies who rule the school, set the trends, decide who will be popular and who will be relegated to the lowest rung of the social ladder. We all knew them and even though they now have a title, they existed way before any of us were even born. The fact that Kindlon chooses this term to describe this present generation of young women is insulting and perpetrates the exact stereotype that women of my generation are trying to erradicate - that successful, professional women are backstabbing, power-hungry, disingenuous bullies.

And what about girls who do not have educational or economic advantages? Although Kindlon points out that there are “alphas” in the inner city, they are less widespread among low-income and minority girls. I believe there is still a lot of work needed in these communities before this entire generation of girls is on equal footing with the boys. The girls that Dan Kindlon characterizes still represent a fraction of the entire female population.

Putting the disparity among socioeconomic groups aside for a moment, I want to believe that my daughters are on the cusp of economic and social equality and they no longer have to “confront the psychological demons that used to affect girls and women in this country”, like I guess I did. Or at least I am told I did by the psychologists who wrote about my generation. But at the end of the day, the big issues remain unresolved. With 72% of American mothers working outside the home, the work/family challenge is widespread. “From a women’s rights point of view, that’s still the hardest hurdle to overcome.”

This is not just about women. I accept that our girls are different than we were. So this creates issues for both sexes. Now it’s about choices and the ability to choose the kinds of family couples will have, how child-rearing responsibilities will be shared and the division of labor. Unless this generation opts not to procreate, then all the strides that have been made to get girls on equal footing with their male counterparts will be for nothing. Once women enter the workforce and want to have a family, what choices are they left with?

I opted out of the workforce. I didn’t make it into the inner city to teach. If I was a young mother today, I wonder if my choice would be different. Would I be caught in this wave of equality and expectations that women can “have it all”? Would I believe that I could pursue my professional dreams and have a large family and raise my own kids? I really don’t know. Maybe my decision was easier back then because I didn’t believe I could “do it all”. Maybe the choices are becoming different now.

My wish for my daughters is that when the time comes for them to choose, their options will abound with flexible work hours, telecommuting, reasonable maternity and paternity leaves and other creative solutions that we don’t even know about yet. I sincerely hope they can have it all. But I am afraid, that I may be expecting too much, still too soon, and this may only, possibly, be a reality for my granddaughters.