Let's Hear Your Voice....

Since I know that I'm getting an unusual number of visitors from Sam Graham-Felsen's blog at the Barack Obama site (thank-you Karoli!), I thought it would be great to engage in a dialogue here - whether about women and Obama or other issues about the campaign . Both my daughter and I have posted our thoughts and it would be great to hear from all of you -- new visitors and old friends!

I realize I've focused here alot lately (okay mostly) on the Presidential election, and there are many other important issues affecting kids going on in the news that must be written about - but pardon my focus -- the Feb 5 Primary is on Tuesday - and aside from other personal responsibilities I have, this has been very important to me. There is an awful lot at stake - for our kids and the youth of this country - and if we don't find time now to help move us in the right direction, it will be too late later. I am working in my community this weekend to GOTV (Get Out the Vote) for our Feb 5 primary -- and I promise after the 5th to return to a more diverse dialogue with a sundry of issues.

So, in the spirit of youth (and you are only as old as you feel!) I've invited some other young adults from other blogs to weigh in with their thoughts on the election and hopefully they'll take me up on my offer. I also know there are other young visitors (you know who you are!) who read this blog -- speak up, even if you don't agree and Let's Hear Your Voice! If you are not young in years, you're not exempt .... chime in ... this is about a dialogue between the ages! Let's have some fun.

Our Daughters

I remember, being in eighth grade, and wanting to grow up to be a teacher in the inner city. I devoured a constant stream of books about teacher success stories that could have easily been made into Disney movies. I was inspired and I believed that I too could change a piece of the world. My girlfriends also had dreams of growing up and pursuing careers. Nobody discouraged us from being whatever we wanted; we went on to college and graduate schools. Some of us pursued careers, some of us became full-time mothers and some tried to balance the two. This was before Title IX opened up playing fields to equalize access to athletics, before sexual harassment was outlawed and bias for college scholarships and financial aid was banned based on sex.

According to Dan Kindlon, a psychologist and adjunct professor at the Harvard School of Public Health, my daughters are profoundly different from who I was at their age. He studied 900 girls and boys in grades 6 -12, from the US and Canada and concluded in his book, Alpha Girls: Understanding the new American Girl and How She is Changing the World:

This generation of girls can be labeled, “alpha girls” because data shows they outperform boys in grades, honors, high school graduation rates and college entrance. That this new girl power is characterized by ‘emancipated confidence’ that is raising self esteem, reducing depression and altering gender roles among girls and women.

Last night I was at my 12 year old daughter’s basketball tournament. Before the game, the opponents were sitting together in a group, waiting to go into the gym. As I watched them, I stubbornly realized that they really are different from who I was at that age and they are growing up with very different expectations. There were basketball teams for girls my age, heck, my mom played basketball in high school - but girls’ athletics was not given the legitimacy that it has today. We didn’t have Recreation leagues, Little League, summer sports camps and sports clinics. Of the four teams that were out on those two courts, last night, 3 of them had woman coaches. Today, girls believe they can be as good or even better than boys, their playtime counts and their competition is just as important. And it is. Those girls played hard, aggressive basketball. And this confidence carries over to their school performance as well.

Annually, I attend the Awards nights at our high school. I have been tracking this phenomenon since before my son graduated in 2005: By my rough estimate, at least 2/3 of the academic awards always go to girls. The National Honor Societies, whether for foreign languages or general academics, consist of a strong majority of girls and my kids tell me that the presence of testosterone in the Honors and AP classes is almost non-existent. I can’t remember the last time our high school valedictorian was male.

And it’s cool now for girls to be jocks or to be smart or even better to be both. When I was growing up, it was acceptable to excel in tennis or track, but enter the culture of male dominated sports and watch out. My best friend was captain of the girls’ basketball team. She was smart and an incredible athlete, but boys shied away from her - way too intimidating. We were class presidents, team captains and honors recipients. In fact, according to Lawrence Katz, a professor of economics, “girls have been ahead of boys in precollege education for well over 100 years: in high school graduation rates and in constituting 2/3 of honor students”. Here’s the difference: we weren’t taken seriously until the women’s movement accelerated change through Title IX, and other political and legal advancements.

In an article about this study in Harvard Magazine, the author acknowledges:

Today, there is a “paradigm shift in the way parents think about their girls’ options in the world. There’s a whole generation of girls whose creativity and intellect are being supported by their families. Their mothers and fathers are cheering them on, coaching them and setting the bar high, so that their ambition can soar and take them high”.

The playing field is leveling off and for the first time, girls and young women have an opportunity to realize their potential. They do have more self-confidence and great self esteem. They are definitely more empowered.

But, if Dan Kindlon is going to label these girls, “Alpha Girls”, then I take offense. The term “alpha girl” was coined to describe those horrible middle school bullies who rule the school, set the trends, decide who will be popular and who will be relegated to the lowest rung of the social ladder. We all knew them and even though they now have a title, they existed way before any of us were even born. The fact that Kindlon chooses this term to describe this present generation of young women is insulting and perpetrates the exact stereotype that women of my generation are trying to erradicate - that successful, professional women are backstabbing, power-hungry, disingenuous bullies.

And what about girls who do not have educational or economic advantages? Although Kindlon points out that there are “alphas” in the inner city, they are less widespread among low-income and minority girls. I believe there is still a lot of work needed in these communities before this entire generation of girls is on equal footing with the boys. The girls that Dan Kindlon characterizes still represent a fraction of the entire female population.

Putting the disparity among socioeconomic groups aside for a moment, I want to believe that my daughters are on the cusp of economic and social equality and they no longer have to “confront the psychological demons that used to affect girls and women in this country”, like I guess I did. Or at least I am told I did by the psychologists who wrote about my generation. But at the end of the day, the big issues remain unresolved. With 72% of American mothers working outside the home, the work/family challenge is widespread. “From a women’s rights point of view, that’s still the hardest hurdle to overcome.”

This is not just about women. I accept that our girls are different than we were. So this creates issues for both sexes. Now it’s about choices and the ability to choose the kinds of family couples will have, how child-rearing responsibilities will be shared and the division of labor. Unless this generation opts not to procreate, then all the strides that have been made to get girls on equal footing with their male counterparts will be for nothing. Once women enter the workforce and want to have a family, what choices are they left with?

I opted out of the workforce. I didn’t make it into the inner city to teach. If I was a young mother today, I wonder if my choice would be different. Would I be caught in this wave of equality and expectations that women can “have it all”? Would I believe that I could pursue my professional dreams and have a large family and raise my own kids? I really don’t know. Maybe my decision was easier back then because I didn’t believe I could “do it all”. Maybe the choices are becoming different now.

My wish for my daughters is that when the time comes for them to choose, their options will abound with flexible work hours, telecommuting, reasonable maternity and paternity leaves and other creative solutions that we don’t even know about yet. I sincerely hope they can have it all. But I am afraid, that I may be expecting too much, still too soon, and this may only, possibly, be a reality for my granddaughters.

High School Dropout A Silent Epidemic - We Must Do Something (WMD'S #1)

Every 29 seconds, another student gives up on school. This translates into more than 1 million American high school students every year. Nearly 33% of all public high school student and 50% of all black, Hispanic and Native American students fail to graduate from public high school with their class.

Take a moment to forget about the question I have posted earlier, about whether our high school graduates will be able to compete in the global market in the 21st century. What about the one million students per year, who barely have a chance to compete here in the United States?

What surprises me most about high school dropouts, is the major reason why they drop out. I naively believed that it was due mostly to personal reasons, such as helping support a family, pregnancy, or care for a family member. From a study sponsored by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, I learned that nearly 50% of all dropouts do so because their classes are not interesting. Furthermore 70% have said they were not motivated to work hard and 66% said they would have worked harder if more had been demanded of them. Only 1/3 of all students dropout because of family or personal situations.

Our schools are failing our kids. As I read this study further it is unquestionably clear that dropping out is an act of last resort. A fair percentage of these students enter high school unprepared and are destined to fail. We all know “those” kids -- the one’s who struggled early on either academically, emotionally or socially. Teacher and peer expectations are lowered, kids become underachievers and before long it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

As unhappy as some of these kids may be in school, none of them look forward to the day when they are old enough to drop out. The study pointed out that dropping out is not a “sudden act, but a gradual process of disengagement”. In other words, there is time to intervene before that last act is committed.

I realize the seemingly insurmountable challenges that teachers and other school officials contend with on a daily basis and I applaud their efforts to confront these challenges. I have only researched the tip of the iceberg when looking for nonprofit, for-profit and government agencies putting forth enormous efforts to help fight this problem. But here is my position.

If you look in the eyes of any child, no matter the age or socioeconomic background, and believe that each one individually wants to succeed, find happines and be a positive and contributing member to our society, then there’s the first step. Kids need someone who can believe in them. Every child wants to grow up to be something - ask any preschooler - they all have an answer. So much can go wrong during this process of growing up and graduating from high school and we come out the losers. There is so much potential that goes untapped because kids get lost along the way.

So, what can we do? Here are a few suggestions:

1) Think about becoming a mentor. I have had the privilege of being a mentor for the last years and I promise anyone who volunteers to give one on one time to a child will reap benefits that are far beyond anything you can imagine. Here is the website of mentoring.org which is the national clearinghouse for mentoring advocacy and programs. Check to see if your town has a program already in place. January is National Mentoring Month.

2) Check out your school district to see what its high school graduation rate is and how it compares to other towns in your state and the United States. Then decide if there is something you want to do about it if you are unhappy with the statistic.

3) Find out the presidential candidates stand on this issue.

4) Further educate yourself on the issue. This will get you started, or this

5) Think about education reform. Take a look at these stories and websites: NPR did a story today about Boulder's school system and an innovative approach to education, Edin08is a fairly new initiative, have a look.

And finally, here’s something to remember:

“Make a habit of two things: to help or at least to do no harm" ~ Hippocrates

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Nate Fisher case is still in the news

As a follow-up to yesterday's post, I found this posting on a blog called, The Beat. It is a posting of the facts from the mother in the Nate Fisher case. After reading it, I now have some of my questions answered:

Here is what she wrote:

"I am the mother of this student. I can tell you the facts on our side of this, and you can make your judgment from there, but at least your facts will be right.

My daughter arrived in her English class on the second day of school, (the first day was used for books and roll taking ect)

Since she was not in the school system the year before she was not assigned a summer reading assignment before arriving in her new high school.

Her brand new English teacher asked her to stay after class so he could give her an assignment to read over the labor day long weekend and give him an oral report on the next school day. He gave her a choice of 5 books, 4 of the books were about civil war, the lone ranger and Tonto and military fighting. One book was about shooting pool, or so she thought - This would be Eightball (issue #22). The teacher pointed out eightball and told her this is the one he thought she would like the most. He also told her it might have a little bit of mature content in it.

She said okay and put the comic in her bag and off she went. - The comic stayed in her bag until Saturday when we were all driving in the car heading to a family picnic - My younger children and a friends child are in the backseat with my daughter and I hear a strange giggling coming from the back. Any parent knows the kind of giggling I’m talking about (the kind where you should immediately ask what’s going on). So I said to the group of children - “what’s so funny you guys!” So the kids reply - We are laughing at the reading assignment from her teacher - “The two kids are doing it” - So I said - Give me that!

I took the comic from the kids, and I started reading it.

Now let me tell you, I am not shocked by much, but the first page I turned to was the fluffy blue bunny page - and I was shocked. Why would this teacher think my 13 year old would want to read this! I could not imagine what this teacher had in mind with my daughter by giving her this comic. I was fearful that I knew what might be on his mind!

Also let me tell you that when I went to the police and the school, we were not on a witch-hunt - we weren’t out to get anyone fired and we were really hoping this was all a big mistake. We thought possibly that maybe some kid stuck this in his classroom as a joke and that happened to be the one she picked up thinking it was about playing pool.

I showed the school and the resource officer what was given to my daughter and they were very surprised, this is not part of the allowed reading material for teachers to give. They said thank you and we will be in touch later and let you know what we find out.

So the afternoon goes by and my Daughter gets off the bus, I ask her what happened in his class that day and she tells me that - He pulled her aside after class and asked her how reading that comic made her feel.

She told him that she really thought it was disgusting and inappropriate and he said yes, I told you it might be a little bit mature.

Well when I heard this, I was really disgusted. What can I assume in this day and age was this teachers motives?? I put her back in the car and I went back down to the school. I asked to see the principal again and I told him what was said to her after class.

Now I want to say - this next piece of information was just what I was told by the school - I didn’t hear the teacher say this personally.

I was told that the teacher gave it to my daughter because he thought she would like the material. But - He said he had it as a college graphic Adult reading assignment in a college class several years before.

That was a college class he signed up for and he knew the course material. Not something handed to him by a teacher in high school and told to read.

`Again, I would like to STRONGLY attest to the fact that I am not against mature reading material being discussed in a classroom setting. I have no problems with nudity, violence, or any other topic discussed in a setting that promotes learning. Had this piece of material been given to the class as a whole as an assignment on modern day graphic novels and the literary benefits of them, there would be no problem.

There would be no problem because it would be part of a curriculum, clearly meant for learning.

Had the teacher suggested this graphic novel to my daughter, advising her that it is of mature content, and asking her to obtain it on her own with her parents consent, then I would have no problem with it.

This is where I have a problem. This teacher gave my daughter, and ONLY my daughter, a graphic novel of mature nature, without the knowledge of the administration, as an extra curricular assignment. This was done after class to my 13-year-old daughter. Yes she was 13 at the time of the incident. She has since turned 14. That may help to alleviate any confusion about her age. In dealing with these situations, parents these days can’t take chances. I will never know this teachers true intent, but I do know that he is at least guilty of extremely bad judgment.

I do not have the blind faith to assume that everything is OK. My duty is to protect my children. I will not compromise that."

Now, I still walk away with the same conclusion:

One of our jobs as parents is to make sure our kids are safe. I certainly understand this mother's reaction to do everything possible to protect her daughter. I am sure she was fuming and shocked - especially being new to to town - wondering how this could have happened.

However, at what cost and to what extremes do we go to protect our children? Isn't it also our job to be good role models for our kids, especially when they are teenagers and they judge our behavior so scrupulously? By rushing to the police, and notifying school officials, she denied the teacher any opportunity to explain himself. He was guilty way before he even had a chance to prove his innocence, or at least his poor judgement. This was a perfect opportunity for a Parental Teaching moment -- to demonstrate how adults work out differences by gathering facts, communicating, trying to understand both sides of an issue, and in this case, realizing that people, even teachers are human and they make mistakes.

Forgiveness would have been much better lesson to learn.

Controversy in the Classroom - Everyone Loses

If there is one thing I’ve learned from being a parent, it’s that there are always two sides to a story and the truth usually lies somewhere in between. Whenever an argument erupts between by kids, I am captivated time and again by one's ability to win my support of their version of the story, only to hear an equally compelling saga from their sibling . I believe that such is the case of Nate Fisher, a popular English teacher and an unnamed student from a local high school. Fisher resigned last week and the student, from what I have read has been suffering at the hands of her peers.

In the same manner that I try (often unsuccessfully) to understand the true facts of a disagreement between my kids, I have tried to understand the facts of this story. Here are the simple facts that I believe are indisputable.

Fact #1: A teacher gives a freshman student (female) a suggested book for a project. The book is a graphic novel.
Fact #2: The parents of the student find the material inappropriate
Fact #3: The book is written by, Daniel Clowes, an award-winning graphic comic book writer
Fact #4: The Teacher is placed on Administrative leave
Fact #5: Word gets out that the teacher is facing trouble and a Facebook group is created in support of the teacher. Communications get nasty, with the student being targeted and the site is closed down.
Fact #6: The teacher resigns and the student becomes the target of harassment
Fact #7: Everyone loses

We don’t know much more than this, but here’s where it doesn’t matter what we know or what we assume: The grey area of disagreement over perception can inflict such unfortunate pain on its victims. I don’t know the student, her parents or the teacher. However, there is no doubt that both sides of the controversy present compelling arguments..

First, the teacher. I will draw my own conclusion and refuse to believe that Nate Fisher’s intentions were impure or that his goal was to make the girl uncomfortable by giving her “pornographic material”. He’s a young teacher who, I imagine, if he’s a good English teacher, follows literary trends and reads works by up and coming authors. Graphic novels can be edgy, but the author he chose isn’t scum, he’s an award-winning, graphic novelist who has been acclaimed by Time Magazine and the New York Times. Did he demonstrate bad judgment by offering the book? Perhaps. We don’t know the conversation that transpired between him and his student before giving her the book. Did he warn her that the material may be too mature for her? Did he suggest she get permission from her parents first? Should he have first gotten administrative permission to hand the book out to a student? Isn't it really is our own personal perceptions about whether this material is inappropriate? Is this book, or books like it, to become the Catcher in the Rye of our time?

As a parent, I understand our desire to protect our children. We trust the schools to keep our kids safe, both physically and psychologically. At a minimum, we expect zero-tolerance bullying policies, environmentally safe buildings and teachers who will be respectful and supportive of our children’s needs and learning styles. I can accept that these parents believed that this teacher crossed the line by handing their child this book to read. They may even believe that she was violated in some way. Nobody should be judging them or their child for this belief. They have every right to their feelings. What we don’t know is how they pursued their claim. Did they go directly to the teacher? The principal? The Superintendent? Or the Police? Did they want Nate Fisher fired regardless of an explanation? Did they really want him to lose his job over this?

In the same way that my kids believe their version of the events that lead up to an argument is the only acceptable view, for every reader that is offended by this material, there will be another who finds it perfectly acceptable for their kids. Had Mr. Fisher given this book to a different student, whose parents perceived the content differently or approached there concerns by a taking a different course, there quite possibly could have been an entirely different outcome. He may still have his job, and a student may have been introduced to a new genre of literature that she may never have known about if not for this teacher.

So what are we left with? A young teacher, who’s career may well be over before it even began, a student, who will have to navigate the jeers of fellow students, and parents who in hindsight may always wonder if they did the right thing.

I wonder what Nate Fisher has learned from this experience and if he finds something positive to take away from it. Maybe he’s matured a bit, but I hope that he doesn’t become cynical and will give up teaching altogether. My wish for him would be to find a school where he is appreciated and he continues to be a positive influence on his students. I am sorry that he had to resign as a result of this controversy. His untapped potential will never be realized by these students.

As difficult as life has become for this student, I hope she realizes that her parents were acting in her best interests. Whether she even believed, in the first place, that what they were doing was right, she should be proud of them for speaking up if they believed something was wrong. Kids are resilient, and hopefully, she will discover things like the value of true friendship from those who have stuck with her through this ordeal, self-confidence when she finally walks back through those school doors, and pride in herself that she survived such unwelcome criticism. It’s hard enough being an adolescent, dealing with all of this as a freshman has got to be horrific.

And the parents, while I may disagree with the outcome of their actions, I applaud their strength to stand up for what they believe in. Being a strong role model, especially when it is an unpopular choice takes a lot of courage.

I guess we really don’t know the end of this story. I wish the end could have been this: all the parties sat around a table and they discussed what they perceived to be wrong and to be right about the events. And then, they all agreed that some mistakes were made, no maliciousness was intended, and that they are all working for the best interests of our kids. Apologies were made and second chances were given. And then, they would all walk away from the table feeling like winners, that they had beaten the stereotypical “he said, she said” scenario, and had come together to work towards a positive resolution for all. That would have been the best role modeling for our kids after all.... and there would have been no losers.

Teens, Tweens and "Gossip Girls"

The "Gossip Girls" is premiering tonight at 9:00 pm on the CW Network. My teenage daughters put it on their list of new shows to watch and they are making sure to TIVO it in the event that it comes through with the success that all the hype has been promising. I also have a tween, who I am positive will not be watching it.

Although I have never read any of the books from The Gossip Girls Series by Cecily Von Ziegesar, they are undeniably a sure bet for a TV hit - just read the reviews of the books on Amazon! The books are addictive. They feed every fascination that teenagers have towards sex, money, fashion and power. They follow the lives of high school students from a prestigious private girls’ school on the upper-east side of New York City.

For teenagers reading these books, I want to assume, that they are old enough to separate fact from fiction - or at least I want to believe that they are mature enough to have already established their own values when it comes to many of the issues these books raise. Hopefully they read them, or now watch them, with a bit of humor, and not an “oh my gosh, I wish that were my life and these girls are so cool” reaction. After all, the books are aimed at an audience of 18 - 34 years olds who have moved beyond high school and can reflect back on that period in their lives.

In an article in the Sunday Styles section of the New York Times this past weekend, entitled, “My So-Called Gossipy Life”, the reporter, Ruth LaFerla shares a private screening with four tweens, 12 and 13 year olds, who live and attend private school on the Upper East-Side. The frightening point of the article is that these girls were completely suited to view the pilot. They identified and could relate to the characters - the sex, the drugs, the cattiness and the overindulgence that permeated the show. They are 12 and 13 years old!!!

How is this okay for 12 and 13 year old girls? As much as my 12-year old daughter would love to watch the show tonight, and I am sure many of her friends will be talking about it in school tomorrow - it won’t be happening. At her age, she is nowhere near ready to take on the issues that this show presents. It’s not that I need to shield her from it, well actually I do --- she’s 12! It’s my responsibility as her parent to give her the time she needs to mature and develop at an appropriate pace. It is unfair to expect her to be comfortable being exposed to things such as “tempestuous encounters, Viagra, and downing martinis like they’re snapples”. Talk about pressure, she gets enough of that from her peers, she doesn’t need it from me as well.

How sad for these tweens from the Upper East Side and what a challenge for their parents who are raising them in an environment that is so saucy, that it makes for great TV viewing.