College Tours: Does your Guide Own a Mac or a PC?

In response to a parent’s question regarding the necessity of owning a laptop in college, the two leaders of our tour responded:

“I have a Mac”, the other, “I have a PC”.

I laughed the way my youngest daughter describes a laugh that you can’t let anyone see: “I was laughing inside my head”. Other than my daughter and her friend, I don’t think anyone else saw the humor, but it was as if we were watching a Mac commercial unfold in front of us. As the tour progressed, I kept seeing it over and over again -the stark differences between these two students: in their appearance, their response to questions, their knowledge about the school, their perceptions, their outlooks.

College tours are supposed to give you and your child a good sense of a school - to help you decide if it would be a “good fit”, as we are forever reminded by guidance counselors and admissions directors. This is my third go around on the college circuit and still I am baffled. If either my PC or Mac friend had been the sole leader on this tour, our impressions of the school would have been entirely different. In fact, we may not have even stuck around for the whole thing. So many times we have literally crossed a school off the list because of a disconnect with the tour guide - and in some excruciating cases we’ve even “ditched” early by hanging back and making a run for it.

It was only pure luck that we got this dueling duo -- nobody could decide how to fairly divide our relatively small group, so we agreed to all venture out together. You have to figure that every school attracts a spectrum of students, but there also had to be some common thread that bound these two, something that attracted both of them to the same school and something that the admissions office believed would make them both good “fits”. They both were very friendly and outgoing, qualities that make great tour guides - but it was so evident that their interactions, viewpoints and experiences at this school were profoundly different.

By the end, as frustrated as the two guides may actually have been with each other, at their expense, unquestionably this was my best college tour. How else would we have seen such a rich portrayal of the life of a student on this campus? And as colleges and universities have certain reputations for attracting certain “types” of students, there is no doubt that all types exist on every campus. If these two could co-exist on this small campus, and even be enthusiastic about it, just like the Mac and PC are finally on speaking terms, then it is encouraging to think that the admissions offices use some broad criteria to find that “best fit”.

I have learned over the years that the college search process is entirely subjective. Sure, Admissions offices offer objective measures like test scores, grades, admission rates and student/faculty ratios to help us evaluate whether a school might be a good choice, but in reality it’s the tour and the information session that packs the greatest punch. It affects our decision every time. It’s the same with acceptance decisions. Applicants submit their objective criteria but in reality it’s the subjective materials, the essay, the application and the recommendations that have the greatest influence. In the end, the choice to apply and the choice to admit is equally based on the gut feelings of the decision makers themselves.

I imagine when College Admissions Offices hires their guides, they have a set of “guide criteria”: good public speaking, friendliness, attitude, and enthusiasm about their college experience. For the future, it may be worth it for them to also ask whether they own a Mac or PC and then, they should pair up the two students to give joint tours. It may be the only way to get a true picture of a potential college. Either that or we should go back for multiple tours and visits - and who has the time for that?

Parental Growing Pains

Since some of us are sending our kids off to college around this time of year, I thought it would be a nice idea to have my first blog entry (EVER!) be about what I've learned since my son went off to school.

He left for college a week after his eighteenth birthday. That was almost 2 years ago. I marveled at the ease with which he seamlessly glided through the transition from being a stereotypically clumsy adolescent dependent on us for his meals, clean clothes, money and once in a while for emotional support, to a legal adult directing his own course. I was thrilled for him and couldn’t wait to share his enthusiasm and hear about his classes, his new friends, and his observations and experiences of his new life as a college student. Only it didn’t happen.

We barely heard from him. When I sheepishly gathered the nerve to call him I would hang-up, disappointed by our one-sided conversations and his one word responses to my questions. What had I done wrong? It felt so forced, so unnatural, so awful. Had he been waiting all his life to leave? I was dying for information. My daughters would communicate with him on Facebook or AIM - and I would breathe a sigh of relief, knowing at least that he was safely at his computer somewhere on campus. He would occasionally email my husband, asking for some advice or a quick read of one of his papers. But I got nothing.

I have no memories of how my parents felt after I left home. By the time I left for college, my mother and I were great friends- best friends. I have to believe that she missed me terribly but it never even dawned on me to ask. After all, I was the one leaving, growing up, moving on – it was all about me and my new found independence…my new life. It’s a strange notion, that our first act as a newly knighted adult could be to show concern or compassion for our parents, but instead we choose, subconsciously to behave as a child. Developmentally, I guess it makes sense. It’s like reversion back to the egocentric world of a toddler. Everything revolved around our own wants and immediate needs. But just as a toddler is trying so hard to assert some independence, so is our adult child.

What is it about turning eighteen that suddenly transforms you into an adult? Kids turn eighteen every day – I turned eighteen 30 years ago and I am sure that I must have been waiting with youthful anticipation for my 18th birthday to arrive. But quite honestly, I don’t remember. I became an adult overnight. I could vote, I was legally responsible for myself and back then I could even buy alcohol. It wasn’t all that life-changing. I registered to vote, I opened my own bank account, acted as a responsible citizen, had a glass of wine or beer once in a while and soon graduated from college. The years passed quietly. I got a job after college, got married, went to law school, and had kids. Turning 18 was not a major turning point in my life. In fact, from this vantage point, it was pretty unremarkable. I have to believe that it was no different for my son.

But being a parent of child who has turned eighteen, is very significant. I am astounded that 20 years have passed so swiftly and my son is an adult. Turning eighteen is a really big deal and it was a major turning point - in my life.

So, two years later, this is what I have learned. Patience. I am a different parent to my son than I am to my three daughters. I want to believe that it is not because he is a boy but because he is my first. I have learned by now that patience is the best virtue any parent can have. It serves you best when your kids are young and you are attending mostly to their physical needs and it serves you best when they are older and you are attending mostly to their emotional needs. I learned throughout these times that if I wait long enough, “this too shall pass”. And this too, has passed.

There were times over the past two years, when I would become impatient and believed that I needed to approach this milestone differently - that I had to be proactive about building the foundation for a new kind of relationship with my adult child or I would lose him. But, I decided instead to trust my instincts, and trust my son. He needed his space. We had him for eighteen years and we taught him all we could about growing up to have an inquisitive mind, an open heart and a generous spirit. And lately, I see him coming back in bits and pieces - a gift for my birthday this year, an invitation to come watch him run in a track meet, a trip to our house with his friends for dinner, and an entire car ride home from school last Spring with non-stop conversation, just him and me. It seems like baby steps but that’s okay because he can take all the time he needs. 

I remember when he was turning four, my husband said to him, “You’re growing up too fast, you can’t be turning four already!” and his response was so clear: “You have to change numbers, Dad, that’s the deal”… He was pretty wise, even back then.